Mick (left) and a pre-suspension Keef: ‘I never made no bleedin' contributions to no poofter American politicians. And even if I did, Mick can't suspend me, can he? How was I supposed to suss out that there was a rule against it? Maybe whilst sloshed I did sign over all the power to me best mate Mick. If I was out of me honky-tonk mind, that doesn't count, does it?'

Will The Real Keith Please Stand Up?
By Michael Sigman

(On November 5 an imaginary Mick Jagger responded in Slate to some nasty stuff in fellow Rolling Stone Keith Richards' memoir, Life. We've exclusively obtained this entry from Keith's diary, given to us by someone who would only identify himself as "Deep Tongue.")

It was 2 p.m. and I was sleepin' the sleep of the dead when the phone rang in bedroom 14 at me mansion in Big Egg, the digs I bought back in '93 with the proceeds of the Pretty Beat Up Tour.

It's this bleedin' blogger from The Huffington Post who wants my reaction to Mick's reaction to the nasty bits I wrote about my Glimmer Twin in my memoir.

I'd been sleepin' for the past 36 hours and was a bit bladdered, so I didn't know what the hell the journo was banging on about and said I'd ring him back. I had a massive piss, then Googled the rubbish and saw there were more than two million citations! So I read this article in Slate and damn if Mick didn't shank me in the cleverest way—he topped the way I shagged him! He's always been good with words, that Mick.

I inhaled a spliff the size of a Cuban—none of the hard stuff for Keef no more!—and yakked with the journo piker. His article showed up on the Internet less than an hour later. How do they do that? Anyways, here's what the sod wrote:

"Keith Richards is confused.

"I reached him at his palatial Big Egg estate today and asked him to comment on Mick Jagger's reaction to Keith's new memoir Life, in which he accuses Jagger of arrogance, cruelty and having a tiny todger.

"Sounding as stoned as Admiral Nelson's statue in Trafalgar Square, Keith slurred, 'I woke up this afternoon to these headlines about 'Keith's indefinite suspension without pay.' WTF? Hey, I've admitted to plenty of squidgy behavior, been shirty with the press a time or two, but the point is, I always get away with it.

"'The whole bloody mess is arses over elbows, innit? I never made no bleedin' contributions to no poofter American politicians. And even if I did, Mick can't suspend me, can he? How was I supposed to suss out that there was a rule against it? Maybe whilst sloshed I did sign over all the power to me best mate Mick. If I was out of me honky-tonk mind, that doesn't count, does it?'

"A clearly frustrated Keith hung up before I had a chance to tell him it was a different Keith who got suspended. I wrote the story and just before I filed, Keith called again. Maybe he'd had a cold shower or maybe he'd ingested something more stimulating than pot, but this time he was right on point:

"'I might hate me brother Mick, but I've never questioned his brilliance at milking a situation for all it's worth. For years he's been harping about The Stones 'going digital,' and now he's made us the most Googled band in the universe. I get it: Mick didn't do this to hurt me, he just wants to sell more Stones iTunes, CDs and concert tickets and do more of something he calls 'marketing partnerships.' Like Mick always says, 'At the end of the day, that's what it's all about, right Keith'?"

"I asked Keith why he's had so much trouble coming up with great songs for so long. He was refreshingly candid: 'You're right, we've been whacking our knobs for 35 years. But as we speak I'm polishing up the lyrics to one of my best songs ever.'

"'I haven't got me knees up like this... since, well, best not to recollect. The inspiration came from Google! I clicked on a story about our new slogan, the one we paid $2 million for. I think this was the first I'd heard of it, but who cares? The minute I saw those two words—Lean Forward—I said to meself, 'Bang, Keef, that's your title.’ And the rest flowed like the red, red wine me and the Wingless Angels used to drink by the gallon in Steer Town.'"

The Rolling Stones, ‘Brown Sugar’: ‘…we’ve been whacking our knobs for 35 years…’

"My last question for Keith was about his and The Stones' future. He said, 'Hey, how about all these petitions to get me un-suspended? Rachel Maddow even came to me defense. The minute Mick decides we've got the full Monty out of this gambit, I know he'll want me back. It might get a bit dodgy at first, 'cause the press will make a big deal about who's the injured party. But that's another million Google hits, don't you think?!'"

Writer/editor, media consultant, music publisher Michael Sigman is a regular Huffington Post blogger. Follow Michael Sigman on Twitter: